Disclaimer: No new news. This is just a blog about my thoughts and feelings.
My poor love is sick and it makes me sad. Mark is such a vibrant person who rants and raves about politic and religion. He is a man who knows what he believes. Yes, sometimes he drives me crazy with his passion and excitement for this I would never even think twice about but I think overall he has helped make me a smarter person. Not that I wasn't smart without him but he helped get my passion for learning burning. Mark's biggest accomplishment with me was getting me reading. Now that I actually read books I realize how important they are. Books get our brains working. They allow us to explore our imaginations and open us to new ideas. Now that I read books I see how effortless and enjoyable it is. (No offense to anyone) People who don't read books or say they can't get into them are lazy. I used to have all the same excuses. Sure it might take the right book to get into but with a little fun investigation you will find the perfect book. Also going and getting a Mocha Latte and walking around Barnes and Noble is one of mine and Marks favorite activity. Even if we do not buy anything it's still worth the trip.
When you have to stop worrying about petty problems and start worrying about someone's life it changes your paradigm on your daily experience. You still have to keep living life as you normally do but you start to treasure the small moments. They are the moments that pass you by without noticing, the same old, same old. The moments I treasure most are the little kisses from Mark and Cookie and the kisses between them. Mark's tendency to sniff his hands, (I don't know why he does it but it makes me laugh) Mark yelling at the tv during video games and sports usually pisses me off but like I said he has a certain passion.
As gruff as he thinks he is, he gentle and kind. I appreciate how lucky I have been to find a man who loves me as much or more then I love him especially at such a young age. He still cracks my toes on daily basis and rubs my back to help put me to sleep. I don't wear shoes that often so I don't have the cleanest feet. What other girl could say that after 6 1/2 years of marriage and 9 years of being together?
I am not stress, sad, or afraid (at least in this moment in time). I do have hope for life in whatever situation may happen. Life only ends when you want it to and Mark and I will not let it end. Love last forever this life and the next.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Monday, October 6, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
Learning to Let Go.
*** I wrote this about 7 years ago in my English 1010 coarse at Weber State. I love this personal narrative about myself. There was so much going on during that time of my life that confused me so much. I was torn by what life/path I should choose. I love the life I live. We all have our hard times. My life would have been dramatically different if I had gone another way. I would have been a totally different person then I am today. I think the at the core of me I am the same but what other people see has changed. My general ideas on life are very different and I am much more open to new things. I think the "core" or "inner me" is a very fragile being. So the outer me had to get strong to protect my core self. The biggest lesson I have learned in the past 7 year is to let anger go. Anger will kill you. When I was first married some of my in laws hurt my feeling very badly for reasons not even worth bringing up. When I would tell people what happened my blood pressure would skyrocket. I would get dizzy and have a head ache. After about 6 months I had to move on. It was to painful physically to let that anger take over me. Now don't get me wrong. I am still a little jaded. Hello. I am a women. ;) but there is no reason to get angry over something that happened so long ago and can not change. There are more benefits that happened during that time then there are negatives. For exampled: within the first month of my marriage I learned my husband would stand by me no matter what. I learned who I could trust and who can see the true fragile core of myself. I also learned I could move on and forgive. Now when bad things happen I get upset, yell, or cry and then I move on. If it's something I can't change, why be angry. You will die faster if you're angry. ***
Every morning I wake up to the same annoying blasting beep at about 7:30. As I lay in bed trying to ignore the antagonizing beep of my alarm clock, I slowly open my bloodshot red eyes and say, Just five more minutes.
My hand slams down on the snooze button, and I take my five extra minutes of sleep. But, on this morning, as I fell back asleep I begin to dream of being with my grandpa. I am sitting with him in a retirement home, but it is as if he does not belong here because he is so young.
I ask, Why are we here?
He says, I am here to help guide you to help find your true self and the person you want to be.
As I sit in the retirement home with my grandpa, he holds my hand and looks so deeply into my eyes, it is as if he knew my thoughts, dreams, anger, worries, and love. He smiles at me and squeezes my hand and says,
"I know a lot about you! I know your sins, your accomplishments, and the pain you feel in your heart day after day." I close my eyes and take a deep breath, as he looks at me and says, "You're not happy. Why are you so scared of letting go?"
"Letting go of what?" I ask.
"Of everything! Your whole life you have been doing everything your family, friends, church and society have been telling you. Now your heart is broken and you wake up every morning depressed because you are 19 years old and don't have the slightest clue of who you are!"
"I know who I am. I am a good person who is loving and helpful and kind. I am a hard worker, I am honest, and I am trustworthy." I protest as my heart falls to the ground.
"Yes, you are all those things, but why is it that everyday you are afraid because you are not sure of yourself. You question what you know to be true in your heart and when you look in the mirror all you can see is emptiness and confusion in your face. I am here to help you break away from what is holding you back and to help you feel joy instead of sadness." He leans in and touches my face and says, "I have been there, except no one helped me so I didn't grow as a person. I held the same confusion as you, but I grasped at it until the day I died. That is why I appear so young to you and in a retirement home. The turning point in my life was 30 years old; this is when I could no longer change because I was set in my ways. I had a wife and children, and I could not go off and find myself. I had to work at my job day in and day out; that I hated, just to put food on the table. There was no more time for just me." He looks at me with a loving stare, knowing how I feel, he whispers; "I come to you now because you are young enough to change. Your heart and mind are open enough for suggestion. You feel the pain of what is missing in your life. I cannot tell you what you need to do to find, what you search for. I am here to tell you that now is the time to look. Don't worry what people think of you. Have hope and pray everyday. Let your heart guide you to what you need to do. Deep down you know. You just don't want to let go. Don't be afraid! If you are worried about what God thinks, he is happy with you. He doesn't care as long as you are true to yourself. That is the only true test in life. Be happy and discover yourself. Do not let anything hold you back and you will do just fine."
With my Grandpas kiss on my forehead, I suddenly woke up to my alarm clock. My five minutes are up. I slowly get up, turn on the light, walk to the mirror and take a deep breath. Today is going to be a good day, and so is tomorrow.
Every morning I wake up to the same annoying blasting beep at about 7:30. As I lay in bed trying to ignore the antagonizing beep of my alarm clock, I slowly open my bloodshot red eyes and say, Just five more minutes.
My hand slams down on the snooze button, and I take my five extra minutes of sleep. But, on this morning, as I fell back asleep I begin to dream of being with my grandpa. I am sitting with him in a retirement home, but it is as if he does not belong here because he is so young.
I ask, Why are we here?
He says, I am here to help guide you to help find your true self and the person you want to be.
As I sit in the retirement home with my grandpa, he holds my hand and looks so deeply into my eyes, it is as if he knew my thoughts, dreams, anger, worries, and love. He smiles at me and squeezes my hand and says,
"I know a lot about you! I know your sins, your accomplishments, and the pain you feel in your heart day after day." I close my eyes and take a deep breath, as he looks at me and says, "You're not happy. Why are you so scared of letting go?"
"Letting go of what?" I ask.
"Of everything! Your whole life you have been doing everything your family, friends, church and society have been telling you. Now your heart is broken and you wake up every morning depressed because you are 19 years old and don't have the slightest clue of who you are!"
"I know who I am. I am a good person who is loving and helpful and kind. I am a hard worker, I am honest, and I am trustworthy." I protest as my heart falls to the ground.
"Yes, you are all those things, but why is it that everyday you are afraid because you are not sure of yourself. You question what you know to be true in your heart and when you look in the mirror all you can see is emptiness and confusion in your face. I am here to help you break away from what is holding you back and to help you feel joy instead of sadness." He leans in and touches my face and says, "I have been there, except no one helped me so I didn't grow as a person. I held the same confusion as you, but I grasped at it until the day I died. That is why I appear so young to you and in a retirement home. The turning point in my life was 30 years old; this is when I could no longer change because I was set in my ways. I had a wife and children, and I could not go off and find myself. I had to work at my job day in and day out; that I hated, just to put food on the table. There was no more time for just me." He looks at me with a loving stare, knowing how I feel, he whispers; "I come to you now because you are young enough to change. Your heart and mind are open enough for suggestion. You feel the pain of what is missing in your life. I cannot tell you what you need to do to find, what you search for. I am here to tell you that now is the time to look. Don't worry what people think of you. Have hope and pray everyday. Let your heart guide you to what you need to do. Deep down you know. You just don't want to let go. Don't be afraid! If you are worried about what God thinks, he is happy with you. He doesn't care as long as you are true to yourself. That is the only true test in life. Be happy and discover yourself. Do not let anything hold you back and you will do just fine."
With my Grandpas kiss on my forehead, I suddenly woke up to my alarm clock. My five minutes are up. I slowly get up, turn on the light, walk to the mirror and take a deep breath. Today is going to be a good day, and so is tomorrow.
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