Learning to Let Go.

*** I wrote this about 7 years ago in my English 1010 coarse at Weber State. I love this personal narrative about myself. There was so much going on during that time of my life that confused me so much. I was torn by what life/path I should choose. I love the life I live. We all have our hard times. My life would have been dramatically different if I had gone another way. I would have been a totally different person then I am today. I think the at the core of me I am the same but what other people see has changed. My general ideas on life are very different and I am much more open to new things. I think the "core" or "inner me" is a very fragile being. So the outer me had to get strong to protect my core self. The biggest lesson I have learned in the past 7 year is to let anger go. Anger will kill you. When I was first married some of my in laws hurt my feeling very badly for reasons not even worth bringing up. When I would tell people what happened my blood pressure would skyrocket. I would get dizzy and have a head ache. After about 6 months I had to move on. It was to painful physically to let that anger take over me. Now don't get me wrong. I am still a little jaded. Hello. I am a women. ;) but there is no reason to get angry over something that happened so long ago and can not change. There are more benefits that happened during that time then there are negatives. For exampled: within the first month of my marriage I learned my husband would stand by me no matter what. I learned who I could trust and who can see the true fragile core of myself. I also learned I could move on and forgive. Now when bad things happen I get upset, yell, or cry and then I move on. If it's something I can't change, why be angry. You will die faster if you're angry. ***

Every morning I wake up to the same annoying blasting beep at about 7:30. As I lay in bed trying to ignore the antagonizing beep of my alarm clock, I slowly open my bloodshot red eyes and say, Just five more minutes.
My hand slams down on the snooze button, and I take my five extra minutes of sleep. But, on this morning, as I fell back asleep I begin to dream of being with my grandpa. I am sitting with him in a retirement home, but it is as if he does not belong here because he is so young.
I ask, Why are we here?
He says, I am here to help guide you to help find your true self and the person you want to be.
As I sit in the retirement home with my grandpa, he holds my hand and looks so deeply into my eyes, it is as if he knew my thoughts, dreams, anger, worries, and love. He smiles at me and squeezes my hand and says,
"I know a lot about you! I know your sins, your accomplishments, and the pain you feel in your heart day after day." I close my eyes and take a deep breath, as he looks at me and says, "You're not happy. Why are you so scared of letting go?"
"Letting go of what?" I ask.
"Of everything! Your whole life you have been doing everything your family, friends, church and society have been telling you. Now your heart is broken and you wake up every morning depressed because you are 19 years old and don't have the slightest clue of who you are!"
"I know who I am. I am a good person who is loving and helpful and kind. I am a hard worker, I am honest, and I am trustworthy." I protest as my heart falls to the ground.
"Yes, you are all those things, but why is it that everyday you are afraid because you are not sure of yourself. You question what you know to be true in your heart and when you look in the mirror all you can see is emptiness and confusion in your face. I am here to help you break away from what is holding you back and to help you feel joy instead of sadness." He leans in and touches my face and says, "I have been there, except no one helped me so I didn't grow as a person. I held the same confusion as you, but I grasped at it until the day I died. That is why I appear so young to you and in a retirement home. The turning point in my life was 30 years old; this is when I could no longer change because I was set in my ways. I had a wife and children, and I could not go off and find myself. I had to work at my job day in and day out; that I hated, just to put food on the table. There was no more time for just me." He looks at me with a loving stare, knowing how I feel, he whispers; "I come to you now because you are young enough to change. Your heart and mind are open enough for suggestion. You feel the pain of what is missing in your life. I cannot tell you what you need to do to find, what you search for. I am here to tell you that now is the time to look. Don't worry what people think of you. Have hope and pray everyday. Let your heart guide you to what you need to do. Deep down you know. You just don't want to let go. Don't be afraid! If you are worried about what God thinks, he is happy with you. He doesn't care as long as you are true to yourself. That is the only true test in life. Be happy and discover yourself. Do not let anything hold you back and you will do just fine."
With my Grandpas kiss on my forehead, I suddenly woke up to my alarm clock. My five minutes are up. I slowly get up, turn on the light, walk to the mirror and take a deep breath. Today is going to be a good day, and so is tomorrow.